God, Science, and Religion: Wrestling with Faith

by: Haikal Kurniawan

This could well be one of my toughest and heaviest personal struggles. A confrontation between spiritual and rational values that rages inside me. Some may experience a similar collision of the mind. It was a long and drawn out battle for me. At times, my sense of spirituality will emerge triumphant, turning me into a God-fearing individual who dreads over life after death. Terrified of death and what becomes of me next. At times rationality prevails, and I seem to have misplaced God, transforming me into a religious skeptic where everything supernatural is erased from my mind.
I stop to ponder, have I lost my mind? Am I still thinking logically? Or is this simply a hallucination? Scientists, notably those well-versed in psychology may assert that I am indeed hallucinating. Probably because my mind is saturated with religious values that are ritualistic, dogmatic and irrational in nature, hence my commonsense appears to rebel for not using it to understand religious values, doctrines and rituals in a rational and critical manner. On the other hand, I harbor some measure of fear in me lest I act rationally towards these religious values and doctrines due to profound dogmatic religious influences shaping my thoughts.
I come from a religiously devout family where the majority is Muslims (or practically all are). I attended an Islamic school from morning to noon. I was taught everything there is to know about Islam. Its history, miracles, and even its grandeur in comparison to other religions. Islam is the true religion and certain denominations within Islam are considered deviant for derailing from the established track. I was particularly miserable when I was only allowed to think rationally for school lessons which are considered worldly. I was permitted to think logically and critically on Newton’s gravitational theory, Kepler’s concept of the solar system, Darwin’s evolutionary theory, the G30S/PKI communist coup attempt, Adam Smith’s theory of capitalism and others. When this rational and critical line of thought was applied to understand divine and religious values and doctrines, I was silenced. We were not allowed to question the Qur’an and Muhammad’s prophethood, or have any doubt over life after death and others (and I am sure that this is also experienced by others who claim to come from a religious environment). I could still recall an incident 6 years ago when I was in grade 5 of primary school. I asked my religious teacher, “If God is Almighty and the Supreme Creator, can God create something much larger and stronger than Himself?” What I received was not a rational answer but harsh words and was berated upon. I was indoctrinated not to question God, either His being, attributes or anything else associated with God. We must have faith in God and other supernatural forces without having to intellectually analyze, examine or criticize. I was petrified then. After the incident, I no longer dared to think sensibly or critically when it comes to religion, at least until I reached senior high school. 
My years in junior high school could be said to be the height of my fundamentalist attitude towards Islam (as the sole religion which I considered as true). It was undeniable that this was mainly attributed to the process of Islamization in my school where I had spent most of life. 
Labeling followers of Ahmadiyah, Eden Community, Al-Qiyadah Al-Islamiyah, and the Liberal Islam Network as infidels; loathing Israel and the Jews; and hatred towards proponents of religious pluralism and progressive Islam such as Gus Dur, Musdah Mulia, Ulil Abshar Abdalla and Luthfi Asyaukani; were part of my radicalism (particularly due to my educational background). And I have not even touched on the influence of religious leaders and teachers who delivered sermons, and Islamic publications that I often purchased especially during Friday’s congregational prayers. From these sermons and publications, it was clearly apparent that we are being pressurized to believe in religious doctrines in a comprehensive manner without the need for commonsense. Even if there must be some degree of rationality, one must not go too far. We are permitted to use commonsense in understanding religion, but we should not step beyond the ambit agreed by religious scholars who act as though they are the keepers of Allah’s mandate. 
But I must admit that I was not particularly aware of the restrictions on the freedom to think critically about religion during my junior high years. I was only conscious of this when I was a senior high student. Particularly when I was exposed to more diverse writings and articles on Islam, either through the internet or the mass media. Only then was I aware on the restrictions imposed by a religious environment on the critical thinking of religion. I came to learn that the literal interpretation of religious texts in today’s modern age as I have personally experienced is no longer acceptable. I have begun to act critically and rationally towards religious values and texts, particularly those which I find to be dogmatic, irrational and no longer relevant to modern times. I realized the importance of being critical towards all aspects of life. And religion as a socio-anthropological fact is inextricably linked to all of these. Religion must be scientifically examined given the excessiveness of dogmas and supernatural beliefs. 
Once I have reinstated myself as a rational and critical being, I felt as if I was reborn. I have found my true identity as a rationalist. I felt liberated from the rigidity of religious doctrines. I now can make optimal use of my intelligence. I can ponder over and analyze anything which I wish to probe into without fear or worries. This sense of liberation however, was short-lived. I once again found myself caught in between rationality and spirituality. I became restless and disheartened all over again. On one hand, the spiritual side of me yearned for me to seek the truth about God in my own way, while on the other hand, my rational thoughts wished that I could leave God behind in order for me to no longer have to see, hear and feel God’s presence.
Ultimately, I discovered my own win-win solution to this dilemma. I have now managed to bring peace to both my spiritual and rational inclinations. Even though in the end I may appear to favor rationality by ignoring religion, but I have kept my faith in God (yet not a personal and literal God). I have substituted the spiritual element in me with a humanitarian outlook. God for me is embodied in humanitarian values. When I lend a hand to a street beggar or help an elderly woman cross the road, it is as if I have found what it considered to be the essential values of the concept of God itself. These essential values of a divine being I have discovered in humanity. I managed to find God in the concept of human rights. I feel as though I have discovered God whenever I am given the opportunity to assist and defend fellow human beings and humanitarian values themselves.
Nevertheless, this does not mean that I choose to aimlessly place God in all aspects of life. Consigning God to scientific knowledge for me is identical to desecrating God and science itself. Placing God into scientific laws is similar to usurping God’s transcendental values. I am indeed appreciative of Hawking’s theory on the origins of the universe without its reference to God, or Freud’s psychological theories. I can boldly say that science has no need for God or other supernatural powers to explain theories and conversely, God does not rely on scientific laws to support His existence. Science can explain on the entire breadth of natural phenomena without the need for God’s divine intervention. Science pushes us toward progress and capable of unveiling nature’s secrets without the involvement of a supernatural being. Science is always receptive to new theories which are more scientific, advanced and rational in replacement of old theories rendered outdated with developments over time. On the contrary, religion will always remain unvarying. It does not allow room for criticism, rationalization and scientific observation.
Science at all times welcomes reservations and doubts over scientific theories. But religion is entirely the opposite, it persistently closes the door to any form of hesitation over agreed upon dogmas as they are perceived to originate from an all-powerful being which cannot be refuted, not even the slightest doubt. Science is always based on empirical evidence, observations and logical analysis, while claims over religious truths are grounded on faith in everything supernatural without comprehensive empirical evidence, even when these truths have been overturned by modern scientific evidence and theories. This has stirred my interest in science. 
However critical my thoughts are on religious dogmas, this does not imply that I am against religion. I remain true to universal and humanitarians values from any religion which I apply in everyday life. I remain respectful of my relatives and friends’ faith over religion. I admit that there are numerous positive aspects to a religion which teaches humanity, peace and justice (even when a significant portion of believers fail to practice them). We must adopt universal humanitarian values wherever the source may come from. For me, all religions are true according to their own ways. A religion will always be true and be the only truthful religion when examined from the standpoint of the said religion. But I refuse to tolerate circumstances when religion becomes a tyranny that pushes aside humanitarian values. Humans can be civilized even without religion, yet many who profess to be religious have ignored humanitarian values. May I never return to the confinement of religious fundamentalism and fanaticism which I had once experienced.